Breitbart News wants to save your relationship. You know, the one you didn’t know was in trouble. They think you’re too dumb to know it’s on the rocks. So they’re trying to be helpful.
In that delightful vein, they have the perfect fix: Breithearts. Which is entirely differently than the nickname that detractors give the site, which is “Breitfarts.” Breitfart is an actual entry in the Urban Dictionary.
But let’s get back to those sweet little Breitheart candies: “Not guaranteed to procure forgiveness but Breithearts have been known to soften the ground and reignite passion,” the ad states.
“Wait, Breitbart still exists?” asked a political journalist. More seriously, the journo replied, “LOL, no absolutely not,” when I asked if he or she would give them to a significant other.
The hearts are available in packs of 3, 5 and 10. “Limited supplies, so get your Breithearts before they’re gone and you’re forced to buy a much more expensive gift.”
Oh, you’re not wooed by their cheapness?
Each box contains 50 candy hearts. On the girly pink-hued box is etched: “Breithearts: Little Acts Of Love”
Phrases to warm your arctic heart will appear on the hearts. They include: “M’FER 2020, Snowflake Melting, Free Speech, Deplorable, American First, Fake News, <3 FLOTUS, Happy Warrior, Love & #War and Basta!”
“M’FER” refers to Rep. Rashida Tlaib (D-Mich.) who told a crowd at a MoveOn reception that she told her son that they “We’re gonna go in there and impeach the motherfucker!” “Basta” refers to the tweeting hashtag incessantly used by porn star Stormy Daniels’ attorney Michael Avenatti, who once considered a White House bid, but won’t run for president in 2020.
Breitbart suggests that you don’t have to be having sex with the recipient to give this magical gift: “Give Breithearts to your lover, your would-be lover, or one who will never be your lover.”
Each box will set you back $9.95.
Happy V-Day, Breitbart style.