An anti-alcohol, anti-fun, anti-American temperance movement, led by self-righteous liberal women and their whipped boyfriends — sounds like the U.S. progressive era, circa 1914, right?
Wrong. A new generation of holier-than-thou Karens and their emasculated soy boy playthings are rising up in the year of our Lord 2024, and they desperately want to deprive alpha men of humanity’s greatest shared pastime: the adult libation, which in this columnist’s humble opinion, simply means 15 ice-cold domestic beers thrown back within the time it takes to play 18 holes of golf. (RELATED: Forget The Oscars — A Sports Hero Just Won The Only Award That Matters To Real Americans)
Take liberal pop star Olivia Rodrigo, unfortunately an influential role model for Gen Z women. Rodrigo recently turned 21, and instead of having a fun night on the town, getting schwasted, blasting a drunk cig outside the bar as young girls and boys her age used to do when America was normal and fun and misogynistic, she bought a sixer of beer, a pack of smokes but virtue signaled instead of consooooming them. (RELATED: America Has Spoken: Blondes With Big Boobs, Please! No Self-Immolating Lefties)
Her anti-booze, anti-tobacco birthday message was so on the nose it sounded like her PR team had put a gun to her head as she typed it out.
“I went to the gas station the other day and bought a pack of cigarettes and a six-pack of beer,” she said on social media. “I promise I didn’t consume it, but I just bought it because I fucking could.”
Countless other celebrity women have quit drinking, including some very young and influential ones, like Bella Hadid and Megan Fox. Several have started anti-alcohol companies. Singer Katy Perry founded De Soi, which sells non-alcoholic aperitifs, while Blake Lively has her ghey-sounding Betty Buzz non-alcoholic mixers.
Meanwhile, lower in the American social hierarchy, the movement’s Gen Z peons are embracing celebrity-crafted “mocktails,” a total mockery of what a drink ought to be, and on the more extreme end of the spectrum, psychedelic drugs like shrooms and ketamine, albeit in microdoses. And in what might be the most disgusting hippy trend to emerge since the first Westchester County-Barnard lesbian decided to grow out her armpit hair in the late ’60s, many Gen Zers are taking to “California sobriety,” which means you live completely sober, except for the fact that you are allowed to rip doobies, hit 90% THC dabs, eat edible brownies 24/7 and turn yourself into a red-eyed marijuana zombie with a Forrest Gump-level IQ. (RELATED: America Needs More Drunk MAGA Uncles Who Fire Off Racy Jokes)
What has happened to America, to this uproarious, risk-taking, booze-soaked country, and what has happened to its female citizens? Women used to be cool. They used to go on live TV and act like absolute gremlins (exhibit A). The more famous ones used to smoke in public, right in front of the paparazzi, in fact, with no shame (exhibit B). They might have had coke problems, but they were classy and sexy, and again, cool (exhibit C). They weren’t corporate puppets for their uptight PR teams.
Men also used to be cool, and actually had testicles bigger than raisins. More men used to be like John Daly, or Ernest Hemingway: they could fish like men and drink like fish and bomb 300-plus yard drives even though they were so drunk they were seeing two balls on their tee, not one. Men used to have foursomes with the boys, shotgunning brewskis on the Par 3’s and hitting up Hooters after for wings, pitchers and banter, without worrying about the nagging lectures from their liberal girlfriends and wives back home. They did what they wanted when they wanted. Hell, they even smoked on planes. (RELATED: Every American Male Needs To Read One Book To Take Their Country Back)
Those times are long gone.
But, dear reader, there is still hope, for as long as this columnist is still kicking, he will go on fighting, and drinking, to the bitter end.
In the words of the Beastie Boys, “You gotta fight …. for your right … to PARTY!”