At first, I underestimated Karen Decker, the chargé d’affaires of the United States Mission to Afghanistan. I assumed the chief diplomat to a country with which we have no diplomatic relations was just sitting on her ass in some Foggy Bottom office collecting a six-figure salary to tweet woke nonsense.
And sure, she provided some justification for that view. There was the now-deleted Feb. 12 tweet in which she explained to Afghans (in English) that Abraham Lincoln “did some stuff.” Earlier that month, she asked Afghans (again in English), whether their country had ever experienced anything like the non-violent lunch counter sit-ins of the American Civil Rights Movement.
Screenshot of a Tweet from Chargé d’Affaires Karen Decker.
In 1960, four Black students ordered coffee at a diner in Greensboro, NC. They were refused service but they would not leave. They came back the next day & a “sit-in” movement was born. Has nonviolent protest ever been successful in Afghanistan? Why or why not? #BlackHistoryMonth
— Chargé d’Affaires Karen Decker (@USAmbKabul) February 1, 2023
Karen seemed like just another wine mom whose top priority was virtue signaling to American progressives. That is, until she proposed the most brilliant strategy in the history of U.S. diplomacy: send Lizzo to Afghanistan.
“Are Afghans familiar with #BlackGirlMagic and the movement it inspired? Do Afghan girls need a similar movement? What about Afghan Women?” Karen wrote Wednesday in the since-deleted post. “Teach me, ready to learn. #BlackHistoryMonth @Beyonce @lizzo @ReginaKing.” (RELATED: US Diplomat Calls For ‘#BlackGirlMagic’ In Afghanistan, Requests Advice From Lizzo And Beyoncé)
Screenshot of a Tweet from Chargé d’Affaires Karen Decker.
Of course, the higher-ups failed to recognize Decker’s genius. A State Department spokesperson said Wednesday that although the tweet contained “sentiments … one can appreciate,” Karen’s “messaging” was “rather inappropriate and ineffective.”
On the contrary, it’s hard to think of a more effective message. Karen has singlehandedly discovered the key to liberating the Afghan people and restoring American prestige.
I can only assume #BlackGirlMagic was a superweapon that some Cold War-era arms treaty prevented us from using during the long conflict. Now, it’s time to unleash it. Imagine a 90-foot Lizzo striding among the Hindu Kush mountains, vaporizing Taliban fighters with her mind while Wagner plays in the background. Hell yeah.
Alright, I just did some more research. “Black women are not mythical. Nor superhuman,” one op-ed explains. “Our magic is in our realness, our love, and the way we rally around one another.”
Well shit.
Ok, maybe we can still make this work. Here’s the plan: We bundle the pop star into her tightest assless pants, her best pair of Balenci-ussies and a plus-size burqa and stick her on a one-way flight to Kabul. Once there, she makes her way to the presidential palace, doffs her outer garment and launches into an inspiring rendition of her hit single “Good As Hell” accompanied by a whole squad of chubby transgender backup dancers.
The effect will be immediate. Women across Afghanistan will start twerking in the streets, piercing their septums and scheduling abortion appointments. Children will wake up to find endless supplies of puberty blockers under their pillows. Soy consumption will rise 6,000 percent overnight. The imams will abandon Islam and embrace gay corporate satanism as the new state religion. (RELATED: ‘Kind Of Passé’: Church Of Satan Pans Sam Smith’s Demonic Grammy’s Performance)
This is what international affairs experts call “soft power.”
Of course, once the #BlackGirlMagic is released, it may prove impossible to contain. This isn’t a bug, but a feature. In the months following the girlbossification of Afghanistan, we could see Vladimir Putin come out as nonbinary and Xi Jinping order a Black Lives Matter parade in Tiananmen Square. The fallout may even reach our own shores, propelling Dylan Mulvaney to the top of the 2024 presidential polls.
The longer you contemplate Karen’s strategy, the more brilliant it seems. Truly, she is the greatest American diplomat since Henry Kissinger.